Do not be anxious about anything

I have written and deleted an opening sentence for this blog post about five times and I am so tempted to delete this one as well. Sometimes, well actually most of the time, it is difficult to put into words what one is feeling. Well at least it is for me. I have lived most of my life in my head kind of like the way a hermit crab lives in a shell. I seek security in the solitude of my mind and yet it is often in my mind where I feel the most unsafe.

This week I have been riddled with anxiety. My mind has jumped from one terrifying scenario to the next. I have this impending sense of doom hanging over my head and so despite being healthy and well I feel like I am drawing near to disaster. I can feel my heart start to race and my arms go numb as my imagination begins to toy with my emotions. Oh the unimaginable horror that comes with an unrestrained imagination. Of course one can explore exciting places and ideas as well but for some reason my wild imagination is more pessimistic in nature.

I have always been a worrier. I was an anxious child who turned into an anxious teenager and finally into an anxious adult. Fearfulness is just something that I cannot seem to separate from my character. I wish that just be acknowledging the irrational nature of my thought that they would become less real to me. Yet they have a hold on me, they keep me immobilised, isolated and fragile. My own fearful thoughts are the very thing that have gotten in the way of my own success and happiness. This is not easy to admit but it is the truth. Through out my life my decision making process has not been guided by the desire for happiness or even growth but rather the desire to avoid fearful situations.

When I was at school I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to take care of people and to be a helping hand. It was a hearts desire of mine and yet when it came to applying, well simply put I did not. I did not apply because I became afraid of contracting dreaded diseases and being in contact with body fluid. Pervasive and intrusive thoughts told me that nursing was dangerous and so despite my deep longing to be a nurse, today as a I write this I am not one. I listened to my own fearful thoughts instead of my own heart but even worse than that is that I listened to my own fearful thoughts instead of God.

Admittedly when I was making those all important career decisions, all those years ago, the Lord was not in the driving seat of my life. I knew Him and I loved Him but he was not front and centre. It took overcoming anorexia and the breakdown of my family for me to really come to accept Christ as my personal Lord and saviour. When I was battling anorexia and when nothing made sense, there was one thing that did make sense to me and that was the living breathing word of God. The Lord spoke life back into my life through His word, he brought me to wholeness and most importantly to peace.

It is because of the Lord that despite my anxious thoughts and despite, even to this day, feeling like fear is waiting to push me over a cliff, I have peace. That may sound contradictory as how can one have peace amongst anxious thoughts? The answer is simple yet complex in its simplicity. The peace is not cognitive it is a heart peace which is why it can be hard to explain. I do not have peace because I think that bad things cannot happen but I have peace because I know that if bad things do happen that I am not alone. I have peace because my life is no longer in my own hands but rather my life is in Gods faithful hands. Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the word” (John 16:33).

When I came to the knowledge of God I learnt that bad things do happen in this world. That this world is a dangerous place and that this world is subject to decay and destruction but what I also learnt is that this world is not my home. “God has called us all heavenward in Christ Jesus”(Philippians 3:12). “Therefor I do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are waiting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and monetary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far out weights them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4: 16-18).

When I change my focus from the world to the Lords heavenly kingdom I find peace amount the pain because I see a greater purpose and a radiant life which is not of this world. I do not hope in this world or even in myself. I hope in the Lord who is eternal and who will fulfil his purpose here on earth. I trust that even though I will walk through dark valleys, I will fear no evil, for the Lord will be with me; His rod and staff will comfort me for he is my Shepard and I am his sheep (Psalm 23:4).

There is a lot to be afraid of in this world and as someone with an anxious mind it would be easy for me to bury my head in the sand or live like a hermit, but shells break and sand suffocates -- which is why despite it all I will persist. I give my anxious thoughts to God and take on his peace instead. I say, “You are my God. My times are in your hands… save me in your unfailing love. Let me not be put to shame” (Psalm 31:14-16). If you are anxious or worried about something then allow the Lord to wash your fearful mind with His love and kindness, let Him take control of your life and he will teach you how to walk in His peace.

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord”

-Psalm 31: 24-