Hard Lessons in Holiness

“ . . . so that he may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭3:13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

(Please note, this deals with MATURE subject matter.)

The Jonas Brothers had one, so I wanted one. At the age of 13, this was my reasoning for talking my parents into buying me a cheap little silver band with the engraving, "True Love Waits" on the inside. I wasn't the only one who had one, all of my sweet little Baptist friends did, as well. From then on, sleepover conversation and Bible study inspiration was always centered on the subject of purity.

We talked about how we prayed for our future husbands, how we saved ourselves for him. I even went so far as to say, I was saving my first kiss for him. While this talk and this so called, purity culture, was harmless to most of my friends. It was not for me.

I was basing my whole existence, my entire spiritual walk, on staying pure for my future husband. That was my reason for being a good person, and for being the woman God called me to be.

Fast forward to the Summer after my Freshman year of college, I had managed to find a college ministry that I fit so well with. I had amazing friends, and an all around amazing life. I fell so in love with my college town that I decided to stay the Summer.

I was working a part time job, but that was it. Most of my friends that I had made that past school year were gone for the Summer. My lonely idleness lead to a few online dating profiles. It seemed harmless. It was 2017, online dating is the future, right?

I began receiving exuberant amounts of attention online. Attention was something I had never gotten before. So I soaked it up.

After a few weeks, I finally agreed to a coffee meet up with one of the men I had been talking to. We met for coffee. He seemed to be a nice man, a little older, but in my innocent mind, that just made him more attractive.

We were having such a nice time, I didn't want the date to end. So in my naivety, I invited this stranger back to my place to watch a movie. In the beginning, he stole a kiss. In the end, "STOP," was not enough, and he then stole my innocence.

(I must pause this story and add, this post is not about sexual assault. It's about how I handled myself emotionally and spiritually after such a messy situation.)

Amongst all of the emotions I felt in the days after this, I felt used and broken. My virginity and my purity was taken from me. Now, I didn't deserve the man I had been praying for.

I began self medicating with alcohol. I began seeking out other sexual experiences, in order to have an experience I deemed positive. I was tainted now anyway, or so I thought. I alienated roommates and friends. I disappointed family. I was broken. I felt alone, and that God could never and would never use me again.

At this point, the details of my sin and lust filled coping methods are irrelevant. But suffice it to say, I had never felt so dirty, and so far away from God.

After one particularly vile weekend, I had hit rock bottom. I could not keep living this lie. I needed to find some peace and some comfort. So I set up a meeting with one of our college ministers to discuss everything that had happened.

I told him of my stolen innocence, of how I felt unclean and worthless in the sight of God, and of my sinful lifestyle. I expected reprimand, and quite frankly, I probably deserved it.

Instead of reprimand, he said something that has stuck with me and will stick with me for the rest of my life. He said, " [my name], purity culture has done you a great disservice. Virginity is a physical state, and you're right, you won't get that back. But holiness . . . Holiness begins anew each and every day, and each and every moment."

The Bible says in 1 Thessalonians Chapter 3, "so that he may establish your hearts BLAMELESS in holiness before our God and Father."

In holiness and in God, our Father, we are BLAMELESS. The person you were 5 seconds ago doesn't matter, if you confess your sin and reestablish holiness.

It feels wonderful to say, and it's amazing to type, but . . . it was one of the hardest lessons to learn, and one of the easiest to forget. When I'm down and out, Satan likes to use my past and my shortcomings to make me forget this. It's something I struggle almost daily with. It has affected wholesome relationships I've had since. And the guilt overwhelms me at times. However, with the help of the mercy of Jesus, I have learned an extremely hard, but extraordinary rewarding lesson in holiness